So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
