i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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