I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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