Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize