My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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