I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Randomize
