Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(205): View more from Alabama

I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day

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(510): View more from California

I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.

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(760): View more from California

The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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(765): View more from Indiana

He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.

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(585): View more from New York

We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE

(585): View more from New York

AND NO VODKA

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We can get drunk and battle coyotes

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