It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
