we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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