Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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