It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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