the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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