You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
