I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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