Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
