look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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