I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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