dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
