I skipped work to stalk him.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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