Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize