he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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