i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You pole danced in your parka.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
