I murdered the dance floor call the cops
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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