Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
