We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize