I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
