I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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