Your dad touched me again.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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