I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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