i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
