as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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