Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
