i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
did i walk over a car last night?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
