I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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