I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
we should paint friendship bongs
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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