I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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