i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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