I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
