im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
