I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
