I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
