I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
