I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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