did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
