You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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