Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
