Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize