i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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