what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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