i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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