Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
