She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
