i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
