my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
