so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
