thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
