Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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