also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize