Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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