the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
