The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
