Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
