Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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