saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
