just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize